"And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share and no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence"
Simon and Garfunkel said it best. When you have a crowded room of people who'll talk about everything but what they're thinking or what they're feeling. Is it because they're disappointed with their lives? Do they hide in the internet, video games, comics and table top games to get away from the world? Is it so hard that they choose to ignore it with people they call their friends? Why is it that we don't talk to about the things that are really going on with the people who are supposed to matter? Why do friends sit and talk about everything but their lives? Do they fear judgment from others? Shame for what they've not done? Do they feel its not worth discussing the daily tasks? What is it? Why?
I've never understood that about nerds. They use everything as a escape from reality. But in truth if you hide your real life from your friends how can you expect them to understand? When there's a death and they all freeze in the headlights and don't know what to say or do. Or when you finally have had enough and you break down. What is it that makes them run? I've sat for hours consoling friends in the dark when they realize death is coming. I've held hands with my best friends when the love of their life walked out, when their dog got ran over. I've been there to hold friends when there was a suicide in our group, when we lost friends in horrible accidents. I know what its like to wait for the call to come in to tell them that half their family has been killed but i didn't have the strength to tell them, instead i waited for them to need me.
What is it with people and fearing leaning on each other? When things get really bad they keep their mouths closed because they fear speaking and no one understanding. And thats not true. I don't have all the answers, and i don't understand but don't think i won't just listen. Because thats what we really need. I'll be here, i'll always be here.
Its very lonely at home. I've realized that now. I've caught myself house hunting again. In my mind i have a idea to buy a home and have roomates to help me pay double the mortgage. Secretly it'd be nice to have people to come home to again. Its just very lonely. My sister moved someone in with her so i don't see her as much, things are strained. And though i usually can get through it okay i had a breakdown this week. I had a awful day i'd rather forget. 5 came around and it sunk in i had no one to go home to and it felt like a mill stone. So i stayed an extra hour until i ran out of work. I ended up turning the phone off and sitting alone.
Its very hard to be a extrovert and not be around people. Its especially difficult to be around people and not feel like you can discuss everything on your mind. I've told no one the truth about what happened the day we lost her. I doubt i'll ever. I only talk about a few things before i find it difficult or run out of energy. I don't want to share what happened. For the first time in my life i don't want to talk about something which they say is bad. But grief is a journey. Talking about it acknowledges it, most days i pretend its not real. Casey has a lot of difficulties understanding this. Or why i'll retract if he reaches for my hand. theres a lot he doesn't understand and that i feel like he can't understand yet. He doesn't press to know which is good. i'd rather not relive those days. I want to be able to talk about it, i'd like to not be alone. But i push myself to solitude by not knowing how or what to say about my own pain. How could i ask others to talk about theirs?
But. Maybe one day that will pass and we can actually sit down face to face and talk about our lives, goals and accomplishments without any snark or memes. That'd be nice. Until then i'll comfort myself in the sound of silence.
Reading: the gunslinger-sucked
Watching: american horror story-sucks
Eating: instant coffee-is horrid